


Midnight Callers

by Seasons_in_DL



Category: Diabolik Lovers
Genre: Diabolik prank calls, Implied Reiji, Implied Sexual Content, Laito being Laito, Other, Shuu being a sleazebag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-12 22:14:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16880223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seasons_in_DL/pseuds/Seasons_in_DL
Summary: Laito and Shuu enjoy a rare moment of co-operation as they harass a hapless mortal over the phone.





	Midnight Callers

**Author's Note:**

> [In the Maniac 03 chapter of Laito’s HDB route](http://diabolikloverstranslations.tumblr.com/post/83249755712/laito-route-maniac-03-diabolik-lovers-haunted), Yui escapes and finds a phone box. She tries calling up a colleague of her father’s for help, someone who’s known her since she was tiny, but he cold-bloodedly refuses and hangs up on her. It’s actually worse than the “Laito controls the horizontal, Laito controls the vertical” section in the anime. The priest seems to know something about what’s going on, stating "You’re not supposed to have access to a phone”; he’s evidently familiar with her situation, but he isn’t going to do a damn thing about it.  
>   
> Anyway, I have this HC that Laito and Shuu like to get together and make really effed-up prank calls. I thought it would be funny if they rang the old coward and wound him up. (Disturbing filth ensues)

  
“Moshi moshi? Huh -- who is this? Who’s calling at this time of night?” The old priest’s voice was thick and gruff with sleep. Not that he’d been resting particularly soundly; not after that call from the Komori girl.  


“ _Moshi moshi!_ Hullo-o-o~! Aww... did we wake you uuuup~?” The voice was that of a young man, light and playful, but with a certain undertone that chilled his blood.  


“He sounds tired, Laito... I told you he’d be asleep.” Another male, evidently on the same line. This voice sounded lazy, slow; almost dripping with voluptuous sloth.  


“Asleep? Well, I’m just _mortified_. Rousing a man of the cloth at this ungodly hour, tut tut. What _must_ you think of me?”  


“Dear God -- this can’t be --”  


The answer was laughter: a lascivious chuckle and a knowing titter.

“I -- I won’t talk to you people. I’m -- I’m putting down the phone!”   


“Don’t hang up.” The first speaker’s voice dropped, heavy with menace, all pretense at playfulness gone.  


“Hey, priest,” said the lower voice. “You’d better stay on the line. My brother here... well, he gets these little moods, you know?”

“I do. I’m a very moody chap. Nfu~”  


“Besides...” the second voice drawled, turning syrupy with low glee, “don’t you want to know how your young friend is doing? You know. Seiji-san’s little girl.”

“Oh God... look, I never -- I don’t know how she contacted me! It wasn’t my fault, I didn’t tell her anything, I --”  


“Oh, we know. We know.”  
  
“We know everything she gets up to.”  
  
“And quite a lot of what the Church gets up to.”  


“You put the phone down on her -- tut, tut. How ru-u-u-de! And after she took such a risk in contacting you. Poor little thing~.”   


“Now, Laito. You can hardly blame the man. He hasn’t even seen Komori-san in ten years. Why should he stick his neck out for an innocent young woman in peril of her soul?”  


“True, true. Ahh, she must have been an adorable little girl, right, Shuu? I bet she was a cute little baby.”  


“But he should see her now...”  


“Ooh, yes, you should see her _now_. All... grown... up, hehe...”  


“She’s quite charming, Father.”  


“Scrumptious.”  


“Positively... _toothsome_... heh...”  


“You unholy --”  


“Now, now, Father! You’re hardly in a position to judge.”  


“Actually... we owe the Church our thanks,” interjected Shuu. “She’s quite exceptional.”  
  
“Truly.”  
  
“A bride of the finest quality. We’ve all grown rather...” (that loathsome chuckle again!) “...rather _fond_ of her, Father.”  


“Mmm. All six of us, nfu~. Of course, she was _most_ drawn towards _me_ , practically from the first...”  


“It’s true. She’s become a particular favourite of Laito’s.”  


“Oh -- Jesus -- no..!”  


“But I’m a generous guy. I don’t mind sharing. My brothers have also taken something of an interest in her, you know...”  


“Ayato-kun, for one.”  


“Yes, Ayato seems awfully interested in her. Terribly eager. It seems terribly mean not to spare him just a little taste. Ahh, but he’s so rough, you know? Such a rough lad.”  


“Not as rough as young Subaru...”  


“Ah, well. _He_  at least is a little less of a threat to her innocence. Might put his fist through her face, though, quite by accident.”  
  
“We wouldn’t even need to dispose of the body.”  
  
“No, we could just replaster over the top.”  
  
The priest trembled, hand shaking so much he could hardly hold the phone. He badly wanted to drop it, to end the call, to pour a stiff drink and try to forget what he’d heard; but somehow he couldn’t make his body co-operate. All he could do was listen, a tear leaking out of one eye.  
  
“And then there’s my dear little baby brother... Kanato... but to be honest, he’s more interested in what’s left after the rest of us have had our fun.”

“She would make a cute little doll...”

“But we’re overlooking someone. Shuu-u-u, what about your little brother?”  


“Heh. That guy...” 

As usual, Shuu’s face darkened a little at the mention of his brother; but he was still taking evident pleasure in the priest’s responses. Laito went on: “Yes... I think perhaps Reiji might appreciate her company... maybe I should arrange for her to spend a little more time with him..?” 

“Yui...chan? With -- with _him_? You monsters! You degenerate _monsters_!”

The priest’s reaction tickled the vampire immensely. “Ah, I see you’re familiar with his reputation? Now, I wonder what dear Bitch-chan would make of his tastes.”  
  
“Especially his fondness for ‘ _le vise Anglais_ ’.”

“Yes... he’s very keen on discipline, that chap. The last girl he had over ‘for tea’ could hardly _walk_...”

There was no response, other than a suppressed choking noise and the sound of something heavy hitting the floor. Laito looked at the old-fashioned handset and pantomimed sorrow.   
  
“Awww. Shuu, I think we broke him.”   
  
“Hmmph.”  
  
“Oh, well. Can’t be helped.” Laito replaced his handset; he picked up the mobile that Shuu had idly allowed to slip from his fingers without bothering to end the call. “Hey, I think I hear Bitch-chan running a bath. I’m going to see if she needs my kind assistance. You coming?”  
  
“Nnnnf.” The blond was stretched on the sofa, eyes closed, already slipping back into a stupor. “Had enough fun for one night. You go.”    
  
Laito nodded and turned to go. As an afterthought, he pocketed the cellphone. The priest -- or whoever played back his messages the next day -- would have some interesting listening material. 


End file.
